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Love Lost

by Sharon Edelmeier

It is a beautiful spring evening, just past sunset. Alone, I sit quietly with face upturned to the heavens, drinking in the cool air and fragrance of early blossoms. I want to hang out everything I own, to purge myself of old things.

A recurring assault on my spirit has been happening as I continue to relive the day that my husband blasted out. It is like being slugged from behind. The two years since have passed at light speed, yet some days have felt agonizingly long. I must separate myself from the hurt and loneliness, set myself free to love again. Sharing is at the essence of my happiness.

During our marriage, as much as talking was absent, there must have been some exchange of feeling. Surely I was able to express myself even once in a while, been understood sometimes, or I would have seen it coming. I realize now complete denial over many years had successfully kept me from facing the growing crisis in our marriage, and created a body and mind sick with torment and fear.

What is love, but the commitment to stick with another human being through thick and thin, the comfort of trials overcome, and the hope for happier times ahead.

Unable to know what is buried deep inside the other's soul, not reading the cues, a lover trusts that whatever happens, there is a solution that can be found together, especially after so much time and creation has passed. But how can together continue when only one person sees a mutual possibility? How does the other propose to reconcile the pain caused, or is he so relieved by his exit that euphoria of escape replaces humanity?

The realization of love lost, my life plan abruptly halted and purpose severed, had left me broken. Yearning for a reason, desperately seeking solace, I feel like an abandoned, fragile child. Time has dragged my sanity through hell to a place of resignation, but unanswered questions torment me still. Without words, meaningful words, how do I recreate myself? Perhaps life is about managing the scars.

©2004 Sharon Edelmeier Used by permission.

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